Maybe I should just die

I think im makeing myself sick... and i need to stop,
but i dont know how, nor do i know why. I cant tell if
its eatting habits or sleeping or just all mental, i
think i just reverted back and im scared to go anyfirther.

I remember when my mind was so fulled with horrible ideas
i couldnt get away and i was lost.

i had so far a good number of brakdowns, and with each new
on i get worse and worse. throught the years and most
i dont think my family knows about.

Im so tired all the time now and just i cant elxpain
i have like a loss of energy or will power. I just want
everything to end. but i dont think im suicidal.. am i?

i want death but i want life, i want to kill but im scared
or the me i'll become. if i'll lose myself in death and
killing. i worked hard to getaway and hid these thoughts but
recently i feel them more.

just a few days ago i was playing with my exacto and
was pressing it to my finger... not enough to bleed but..
i got such a rush. just thinking of anyform of blood
from me or another made to suffer. i just love it the idea.

ehhh im so tired, so drawn its like im walking in a dream
like none of this is real and at any moment i could wake up
and everything would just be black..

i dont think im mentaly stable right now. but im trying hard
to hold myself. i dont think much will go wrong, i think
i just need to force myself to do what i must. ie eat and
sleep. I went throught this before i can deal with it again.
and it was worse before.

i dont think i have anorexia, i dont think im fat,
i actualy think the opposit, i think im to skinny. but
i cant make myself eat, i dont get it?!?!

I cant afford another insedent like when daddy got rid of my
shoes... to think i had a brakdown on that. its embarrissing
but i think it was more then that. it was bad

real bad. everyone was worryed but now we joke like it was
nothing but i know it wasnt. For god sakes grandma had to
drug me to get me to calm down over fucken shoes.

but i loved those shoes... im sick

im so lost..............

at least im not getting out of bed and running to the look
in the bathroom mirror every other min to make sure i didnt
get smaller, those were bad times.

i like fire... maybe i should burn something, that'll make
me feel better.

people are here
must leave....

i'll have to work this out later... or never.

~~

just an add on I really really want to die now, i dont know but im sick of this, im sick of life im sick of school im sick of everything. What the fuck am i doing what the fuck do i want. I dont want this i dont want any of this. I just want life to go to leave me alone.

I cant handle there problems i cant heandle life, i just want to end it. and not just mine but other peoples life, i need a break, a real break where i do nothing and never ever do anything. and maybe i should leave everyone and not have friends or reletives or anyone, i would be so happy to have no one to deal with. i want nothing to do with people. i want nothing to do with anyone.

people fucken suck i think i should leave or they need to go, what the fuck is up with this. I just want to sleep, and do nothing. nothing nothing nothing. god why am i like this. what is my problem maybe i should just leave and not say anything for a few days. just get lost.

I dont fucken know... i need something... i fell back i knew i would....

i was scared of this, this horrible horrible feeling this disgussting nasty feeling that i just want to go away. i just want it to go away. but it wont it never does, never ever ever ever....

i want my dog back. i want my life back. i want i dont know. fuck

I dont know Im just moody

Im in one of my moods and im on aim 1 things that should never be together. I dont know what it is but im pissed at everything I just want to go out and break someone into a million little peaces and just watch them squrm.

And that son of a mother fucken bitch I just want to rip his fucken fingers off shoved them into his eyes and see if he wants to be a shit head all the fucken time. Like I have to deal with his fucken shit, I have other thinks on my mind.

God I hate people I hate guys and girls and well everyone. So anoying And this one guy... whatever I dont want to get into it. I might just leave it better off I hate pussing things. Maybe I should go out and just look for trouble I havent been in a real fight for the longest time. Ive been so good its killing me. I cant stand it. I really cant.

I just want to go out and cause a little touble, like push people in front of cars cut girls skirts, spit gum into peoples hair, brake windows, maybe even stab some one. Who knows i just want to do something. I should like go out and put something in the food of one McDonalds why cause i can, nothing deathly, thats not fun, but something like a laxetive. I think if i do something small then i'll feel better. Well I dont know, whatever.

What is there to do when something u want is so close yet your to afriade to reach out and grab it because deep down either u know u'll kill it or that maybe u dont really deserve it.

Well I dont know what to do. but if anyone knew of this part of me, this part that i put on this site. I dont know what they will say.

Ive never really been enteraly truthful to anyone in my life, sometimes its better not to tell. That way i can let this side grow away from everyones seeing eyes. But that is what makes finding someone i like hard. Cause i know if they found out what i secreatly want to do they'll just leave and i'll have to kill them. Cant have them living if they know. *sigh*

What is it that makes me think such things. Why is it i cant get these thoughts out of my head, they just come and come and i just cant help thinking and getting lost. Maybe im not met to have another how can i if all i can think of is how i want to kill or how i hate this or just well messed up shit in general.

I really cant keep relationships like that up for long, friendships yeah, thats not hard to do but like romantic.... and its not like i can ever get the guys i want...

maybe there are other ways.