doing better

Ive just been thinking about all the shit ive dealt with since i last posted... i dont know why i havent put anything down i guess im just lazy, but i think i should since i got to a point where i was seriously questing my sanity. Im glad to say as it stands im still sane, but im deffinitly on a line.

I almost killed someone or was going to. i dont know what stoped me but its good i stopped. i really dont need to do something stupid. i really cant afford to let my self go. i really dont know if i can.

i mean at the moment i really couldt have i really wanted to and i was sooo excited high angery sad scared pissed i was so mixed up i didnt know what happend till i went to take those few steps closing the gap between us and then i saw everyone elses faces and i woke up. it was like i wasnt me for a bit i was just full of anger and then i was me. and i was scared. not of him not of what people though not of the people in the car not of my friend not of jail not of anything but myself. i was scared shit of myself and i relized in like a split sec i cant do this. i dont want to i dont want to be that crazy evil psyco who kills for fun who cant controle their impulses. i want to be me. i dont know maybe i was scared to do it maybe im not as evil as i thought.

for me the point is i didnt do it! and instead i ran so fast so far it hurt and made me feel so much better. i cant believe i didnt do it. after all the time and thought i didnt do it i controled my self!!!! its great to know i didnt give in which is what i think seperates me from most killers.

so as of now im sane... for how long... i dont know...

i just know i cant go back home. im convinced its that place that has killed me mentaly. they really are crazy and the stress is enough to make anyone mad.