Maybe I should just die

I think im makeing myself sick... and i need to stop,
but i dont know how, nor do i know why. I cant tell if
its eatting habits or sleeping or just all mental, i
think i just reverted back and im scared to go anyfirther.

I remember when my mind was so fulled with horrible ideas
i couldnt get away and i was lost.

i had so far a good number of brakdowns, and with each new
on i get worse and worse. throught the years and most
i dont think my family knows about.

Im so tired all the time now and just i cant elxpain
i have like a loss of energy or will power. I just want
everything to end. but i dont think im suicidal.. am i?

i want death but i want life, i want to kill but im scared
or the me i'll become. if i'll lose myself in death and
killing. i worked hard to getaway and hid these thoughts but
recently i feel them more.

just a few days ago i was playing with my exacto and
was pressing it to my finger... not enough to bleed but..
i got such a rush. just thinking of anyform of blood
from me or another made to suffer. i just love it the idea.

ehhh im so tired, so drawn its like im walking in a dream
like none of this is real and at any moment i could wake up
and everything would just be black..

i dont think im mentaly stable right now. but im trying hard
to hold myself. i dont think much will go wrong, i think
i just need to force myself to do what i must. ie eat and
sleep. I went throught this before i can deal with it again.
and it was worse before.

i dont think i have anorexia, i dont think im fat,
i actualy think the opposit, i think im to skinny. but
i cant make myself eat, i dont get it?!?!

I cant afford another insedent like when daddy got rid of my
shoes... to think i had a brakdown on that. its embarrissing
but i think it was more then that. it was bad

real bad. everyone was worryed but now we joke like it was
nothing but i know it wasnt. For god sakes grandma had to
drug me to get me to calm down over fucken shoes.

but i loved those shoes... im sick

im so lost..............

at least im not getting out of bed and running to the look
in the bathroom mirror every other min to make sure i didnt
get smaller, those were bad times.

i like fire... maybe i should burn something, that'll make
me feel better.

people are here
must leave....

i'll have to work this out later... or never.

~~

just an add on I really really want to die now, i dont know but im sick of this, im sick of life im sick of school im sick of everything. What the fuck am i doing what the fuck do i want. I dont want this i dont want any of this. I just want life to go to leave me alone.

I cant handle there problems i cant heandle life, i just want to end it. and not just mine but other peoples life, i need a break, a real break where i do nothing and never ever do anything. and maybe i should leave everyone and not have friends or reletives or anyone, i would be so happy to have no one to deal with. i want nothing to do with people. i want nothing to do with anyone.

people fucken suck i think i should leave or they need to go, what the fuck is up with this. I just want to sleep, and do nothing. nothing nothing nothing. god why am i like this. what is my problem maybe i should just leave and not say anything for a few days. just get lost.

I dont fucken know... i need something... i fell back i knew i would....

i was scared of this, this horrible horrible feeling this disgussting nasty feeling that i just want to go away. i just want it to go away. but it wont it never does, never ever ever ever....

i want my dog back. i want my life back. i want i dont know. fuck