leave me alone

i find it funny how people post there probs where all can see them and everyone will know.... why?

i dont i know what i say and who reads what i write or what i say.... i make sure not to put certan things on certan places.. the saying doesnt always go well.

right now im kind of pissed at my roommates the day was nice and fun but they keept picking at the fact i dont eat alot. and then after we drank and it was some time i wasnt drunk but they were talking about going to the gym and i said id go to but my roommate was like u cant u dont eat and then my suit mate agreed and was like i dont want u to feel bad but u really cant if u dont eat and blah blah BLAH FUCK...

but i do eat and fuck i left home so i didnt have to hear this shit from my family and now here i am hearing it all over again. its like 3th gr fuck! i dont want this! leave me alone i'll fucken eat what i want how much i want when i want

i dont need to be forced feed and i dont like it when people look at me and think i dont eat cause im skinny or happen to only eat a little all day. i dont want to force myself to eat but i guess i have to and i might just want to not say anything. i tryed to hint but fuck that whent over their heads. i guess they just dont know how sensitive i am about my size.

aggggg god i know they fucken mean well like everyone else but they are only hurting me more and makeing things worse for me.

i want to kill them!!

right now i want to kill my roommate god dont do this shit to me! fuck u!!!!!!

i always feel like im just watching a movie like my life is one big film and im not involved... i never feel included its like this whole thing doesnt even matter.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. its like i dont even know my head hurts right now but i dont want to sleep i dont want to go to class i dont want to do anything!

whatever im going..... and next time im eatting more food then i can possible hold and i wont let myself thow up!

what would they say

i wonder sometimes u know what people who know me would say if they read this, if they knew what i thought about. I mean i know they know i have a few issues and maybe im morbid but i dont think they know just how far i am.

I dont think im to far gone but im deff not all to sane all the time. Its like i go in and out of these horrible episodes where i either want to just lash out at someone or at my self both not healthy and quite random and sometimes they happen at the same time.

I really think that most of my friends wouldnt talk to me ever again. I mean i talk about how much i want to see them dead who would want to talk to someone like that.

I cant help it these thoughts and urges just come up and its like obsesive. I have so many little things wrong with me i just dont think i'll ever work most of them out. I know i cant say anything and i have to just deal and work with what i got.

I really am not all crazy thats just one dark dark part of me that i hide. I guess thats what this is for, a way to cope.

Im feeling awful cause i got my period and i really am just pissed as shit at this one girl. I really really cant express just how badly i want to go over and watch her gasp and struggle for breath under my hands. maybe watch her hang out the window would be nice, or even worse for her watch her get stuck in a horrible living situation. thats right get worse roommates and have to pay even more to live there.

thats what u get for being a shit head bitch, she made this whole shit about how she had to live in this one place blah blah blah and that she got a 4th girl all would be good if we could help her out then this morrning she calls me and says her friend backed out so she is out and im like ok whatever fine! and then she didnt tell me she didnt call the lady who we were going to sign with. I just want to know what is wrong with this girl! like how childish can u be!!! and she tells me oh yeah i got a place i could live or i'll just get a room from mrs lee. well what the fuck then why were u pressuering me to sign when u could have done something else.

And then she wants to know "well what will u and *** do" Im like "dont worry about me and *** we'll be fine just worry about urself" almost saying fuck u we dont need u so get lost! (i dont want to use names)

I m glad she bailed i dont want to live with her anymore after all this shit she put me through this month and i mean real shit like jesus i always crash at the end of the year but she just made it even worse!! I mean i cant deal well i never could thats why im so fucked up! Dont do shit like this to me it just makes it easier for my dark side to come out!

*sigh* i dont want to talk to her right now... i dont want to not be friends but i just dont want to have to talk to her. Its a pain its really a pain.

She has no idea what i deal with, she thinks her life is so bad well everyone life is! WE ALL HAVE FUCKEN ISSUES!!! she treats me like i dont have any and that my faimly is so great.... to bad she couldnt see what my life was like what i had to deal with, we all have probs. I know she does and hers sucks to but tell me **** did u ever want to die when u were 8 years old. did u try to hang urself did u prick ur self with neadles did u run around backing dolls did u take insects and slowly cut them up with a needle did u press them against the lamp to see how long it took for them to die did u ever wonder what it would be like to drink blood and then cut ur self to see what it tast like but really wanted the blood of some random kid. tell me did u ever think thinks like this when u were young maybe not. but i did. so please do me a favor i may look and hide all my pain and shit but that doesnt mean i dont have my share of mental fuck ups.

at least i acnolaged her issues and saw them and agreed yeah your mom was a bitch and fucked u up. why cant u do the same for me.

well whatever i dont give a shit cause i know ur not going to like ur new living conditions, if i could i would curse u and i would do naything to make sure ur life was a living hell for as long as u lived in whatever place u have picked over us.

u put me through hell and now its ur turn.

feeling better

u know something writing all this down really has made me feel better... i looked back at all i wrote and i really think im getting lost

i need to admit it i am a little bit suicidal but im not going to do it cause im to scared

i need to admit maybe i do want to kill but im not evil and i dont want to run around killing people. i just want to distroy all the evil people.

i feel bad when i hear innocent people die

i dont feel bad when i hear someone annoying got hurt or died

i like morbid shit
i like death

i like sunshine
i like not doing anything

i dont like the city
i dont like people

I really just want to be free and i want to just have a nice simple life

i really am a good person who does have a dark side that sometimes pops up. i just like the little things in life.

well yeah i dont know but i'll prob never get out of any of my issues and i may continue to use this blog to post disterbing things just so i can feel better.

Getting Lost

I dont know what i am anymore... am i suicidal am i homicidal??

why do i feel so bad about what happend at vteck, maybe im not as evil as i sometimes think i am. I dont think i want to kill somone for no reason.

I read the work of that kid and i must say hes deff off and i cant believe no one saw it.... he was more obviouse then me. from reading i could tell he was sick.

hes what im scared of becoming... i dont want to be like that.. ie the reason for this uknown journal/blog so i can write without worry or ridicule or anything. and thats just it write... not do. i m scared of being like that getting lose and just being something im not

but thats not why im writing.

today i was so sad and depressed i cant deal with presser at all... my tolerance is very low. my friend has been killing me she worries and then i cant deal. I dont know this whole thing with getting a place i dont know if i was ready for it. so much pressure from friends and family.
and then on top of that i have so much work that keeps piling up and i keep putting off and off i really amd making my self sick. I didnt sleep for 4 days and didnt eat anything but maybe a few snaks for 5 days. i dont know its bad.

Anyway i was so sad i wrote a suicide note... i thought it was best to do that not in case i actualy go through with it but maybe i thought it would make me feel better. I really was thinking really hard about doing it! like i was stabing my self in my hand with my pen. thank god the marks arent visable. what happend to me!!! why am i thinking these things...

I really have gone backwards!! back to when i was in 3th grade! yes thats right i wanted to die in 3th grade. I was dealing with weight issues with having no friends with having family probs and i tryed to kill my self... well not tryed but i thought about it and was going to hang myself from my blines rope but i didnt. thank god i was scared. or i prob wouldnt be here.

but now im back im wanting to die again i need to stop this i cant think this.

i dont know what i am anymore... i dont want to lose myself to death or to killing... and it seems im falling in both directions i dont know how to stop it! stop my mind from thinking such things! stop from wanting death!

I want to kill
then i want to die
what am i
what do i want
i dont know
i cant figure it out

and im scared of both ideas im scared of it. i want ot live and i want to be happy.

I really think i need to get this semester over with i might want to change my scdual for next semester. i dont want this again never ever again. i want to find out how to stop it how to stop the feelings how to make myself not like this. its hard and i cant tell anyone i cant tell them i want to go or i want others to go

what will they think what will they say. my prob arnt as bad as so many others and yet i still cant control myself. im sick of this.

I dont know what to do......

Im sick

Im makeing my self sick again... im suppose to be moving out soon if we can just get a 4th roommate and get the bitch to give us the lease.

i have that then i have work and then school and i havent sleeped or ate in 4days. so what im feeling is prob due to all of this stresss.... i really need to go out and get some blood, maybe kill a rat or a bug just for a little something.

I cant stand one of the girls i might live with right now... were friends but shes bothering me so much i just want to rip out her through and slize all that fucken fat off her annoying little ass. Maybe smash her in the head with a hammer and crush her bones...

all of which would be a bad idea... to easy to get me if i did any of those...Im better off with something simpler and none ditectable. or i could just set her up... i dont really care i would like to see her die right now.

i wonder where i can get my hands on some acid ive been interested in the effects of it... i want to pour it in something or on someting and watch it break down.... who knows...

I prob wont since i dont have any money to get any of this anyway. I really hate this so much i just hate being this other person that no one knows about. and consintly batteling to keep who i am and not get lost in my desiers or fears.

I dont know but i really cant seem to decide anymore if i want to die or if i want to kill... maybe i really just happen to like death maybe i dont want to die or kill but watch it.

whatever either way i still cant stand that girl i dont even want to talk to her even though i know i have to. im just letting it go for now... lets see what happens...