in an out... i go between being fine to being lost....

I cant stay like this for long one day i'll prob snap... i dont know when...

i hate friends i hate getting close to people.. it pisses me off... it requires so much work and in the end so much pain. i want to go back to being isolated, and not have to deal with this shit.

I hate my period my hormons get are unbalance and its when im most vonrable to my darker side.
I usually like to hide in my room till its over but i cant do that like i use to when i was in hs. Its always harder now.... I was thinking of somethings, and grandpa came up. I wrote a shity ass poem but why not put it here... no one reads this anyway:

to one i love and hate with all my heart.

I understand why you said all the things you did

I know you love me and only want the best for me

I understand why you did what you did at the time

I know you didnt want me to get hurt

I understand why you were so crule

I know you had a lot of issues and still do

I understand and know all the

hurtful

crule

mean

spiteful

things you did were out of love

20 years of it

It made me strong

made me messed up

but i dont mind

I'll love you anyway

but please

dont do it to her

Dont be crule

dont point out her failts

dont tell her your dying

dont tell her shes going to get raped

dont tell her to not trust

dont tell her shes not to be herself

dont tell her shes fat

dont tell her she needs a new diet

dont tell her your going to beat her up

don tell her any of it

I want her to be happy

I want her to be secure

I want her to feel beautiful

I want her to know love

I want her to be innocent and trust

Im already ruend,

I was at birth

Shes still pure

she was at birth

I hate and love u with all my heart
please listen to me
for once.

~~~

Im still dead and wishing for something to happen.... i think i shouldnt go out but i will.... i think i shouldnt drink but i will... im prob going to do something bad....

and i like the thought of that

I hate people sometimes, they have so many problems so many issues.

yet i keep dealing i keep in with life, but i dont think i have to many problems.. i do but not like anyone can tell. I dont let them know but i dont know i dont know.

i have enough i need to get out and not have friends. they are to difficutl to deal with. Im such a bad person i dont even know why anyone wants to talk to me.

soon i think im just going to go out and give in to my self.....

Self Distructive

possible, but i dont give a fucken shit.

I dont want to live here anymore i just want to get the fuck out and they dont get it. why is he so insistent on making me live here. I think I might just tell them i fucked up. or better yet tell them i dont like it here, i dont care what they say im not living here.

I dont ever want to live here, why why why do i have to deal with this. *sigh*

and now i have to try and fix this bull i dont even want to fucken fix.