what would they say

i wonder sometimes u know what people who know me would say if they read this, if they knew what i thought about. I mean i know they know i have a few issues and maybe im morbid but i dont think they know just how far i am.

I dont think im to far gone but im deff not all to sane all the time. Its like i go in and out of these horrible episodes where i either want to just lash out at someone or at my self both not healthy and quite random and sometimes they happen at the same time.

I really think that most of my friends wouldnt talk to me ever again. I mean i talk about how much i want to see them dead who would want to talk to someone like that.

I cant help it these thoughts and urges just come up and its like obsesive. I have so many little things wrong with me i just dont think i'll ever work most of them out. I know i cant say anything and i have to just deal and work with what i got.

I really am not all crazy thats just one dark dark part of me that i hide. I guess thats what this is for, a way to cope.

Im feeling awful cause i got my period and i really am just pissed as shit at this one girl. I really really cant express just how badly i want to go over and watch her gasp and struggle for breath under my hands. maybe watch her hang out the window would be nice, or even worse for her watch her get stuck in a horrible living situation. thats right get worse roommates and have to pay even more to live there.

thats what u get for being a shit head bitch, she made this whole shit about how she had to live in this one place blah blah blah and that she got a 4th girl all would be good if we could help her out then this morrning she calls me and says her friend backed out so she is out and im like ok whatever fine! and then she didnt tell me she didnt call the lady who we were going to sign with. I just want to know what is wrong with this girl! like how childish can u be!!! and she tells me oh yeah i got a place i could live or i'll just get a room from mrs lee. well what the fuck then why were u pressuering me to sign when u could have done something else.

And then she wants to know "well what will u and *** do" Im like "dont worry about me and *** we'll be fine just worry about urself" almost saying fuck u we dont need u so get lost! (i dont want to use names)

I m glad she bailed i dont want to live with her anymore after all this shit she put me through this month and i mean real shit like jesus i always crash at the end of the year but she just made it even worse!! I mean i cant deal well i never could thats why im so fucked up! Dont do shit like this to me it just makes it easier for my dark side to come out!

*sigh* i dont want to talk to her right now... i dont want to not be friends but i just dont want to have to talk to her. Its a pain its really a pain.

She has no idea what i deal with, she thinks her life is so bad well everyone life is! WE ALL HAVE FUCKEN ISSUES!!! she treats me like i dont have any and that my faimly is so great.... to bad she couldnt see what my life was like what i had to deal with, we all have probs. I know she does and hers sucks to but tell me **** did u ever want to die when u were 8 years old. did u try to hang urself did u prick ur self with neadles did u run around backing dolls did u take insects and slowly cut them up with a needle did u press them against the lamp to see how long it took for them to die did u ever wonder what it would be like to drink blood and then cut ur self to see what it tast like but really wanted the blood of some random kid. tell me did u ever think thinks like this when u were young maybe not. but i did. so please do me a favor i may look and hide all my pain and shit but that doesnt mean i dont have my share of mental fuck ups.

at least i acnolaged her issues and saw them and agreed yeah your mom was a bitch and fucked u up. why cant u do the same for me.

well whatever i dont give a shit cause i know ur not going to like ur new living conditions, if i could i would curse u and i would do naything to make sure ur life was a living hell for as long as u lived in whatever place u have picked over us.

u put me through hell and now its ur turn.