My Body

ah its been a month.... but eh

ok i hung out with my friends last night i love them a lot, since i never really had many i try to hold on to the ones i make now.... but like one of them has been kind of bugging me about my weight bringing up these horrible feelings it took me years to sort of suppress.

i just wana rip out of these skins and die somewhere. evertime she says something i wana smack her and beat her so hard. rip out her toung so i dont have to hear the words comeing out of her mouth. i jsut cant handle it anymore i just dont wana deal with it anymore. i hate being skinny i hate seeing my bones it makes me so sick sometimes. i cant look in the mirror anymore with out cringing. when im bloted im soo happy i look at my tummy and see no bones and i rub it and love it! i cant wait to get pregnate and have a huge tummy.

i just wish she stop talking stop stop stop

im also kind of still down from what my mom did.... to think i almost thought she killed herself. i cant seem to get over it, it hurts so much. i mean oh god i dont know what i mean. that aim talk was horrible but she hasnt said anything like that since then im kind of glad i hope shes happy i dont want her sad....

i really dont know what the fuck im doing or why im here alone in this stupid comp lab. i dont know if i hate it or love it. i cant tell anymore what i want.... i dont know... death life who cares anymore. everyone i know is sick everyone in the world is suffering and hurting and i feel nothing.

i dont understand i mean i feel u can tell but its like fack. like my emotions are fack that i made them up to fit what i should feel how i should be feeling i dont know i dont get it. i mean i should be sad my friend made me feel horrible and im alone on a sat night in this room and i feel nothing nothing nothing i dont know why i feel nothing.

i should be happy when i see them be happy to know people care but i just zone out somewhere else and never come back its like im watching a movie and the whole time i feel nothing nothing nothing nothing.

its like this all the time now i live and go on and live and go on and when im alone its then i see this whole life i built is just imagenary this world is so fack a fucken mistake. so frail with just one small crack the whole thing will fall. i want to see it fall i want it all to do but im to scared to see what would really be if this world i worked so hard to build would crumble and the person i really am was out and free. that women inside of me

that one who is to free to crazy to be, she would never last never make it pass. should i try should i worry should i care possible so but i dont. an empty lost dead mind thats stuck in my head sits and doesnt care, nothing is my life nothing will be my death. i have nothing nothing nothing.

i hate this feeling so mixed.... to want to die to want to kill back and forth... i bobbing up and down unable to pick which one would be best which one would fit into this void. if i died would i feel better would it make my life complet in death is there a dignatiy i need to meet. or should i kill someone see the death in there eyes and gamble with the chance i might just lose my mind...

is this what i want.... is this life what i want do i really want to be this live here... with these people so many people. i dont know i dont know

what do i want

how do i get it

how can i escape my feeling of emptyness...