Getting Lost

I dont know what i am anymore... am i suicidal am i homicidal??

why do i feel so bad about what happend at vteck, maybe im not as evil as i sometimes think i am. I dont think i want to kill somone for no reason.

I read the work of that kid and i must say hes deff off and i cant believe no one saw it.... he was more obviouse then me. from reading i could tell he was sick.

hes what im scared of becoming... i dont want to be like that.. ie the reason for this uknown journal/blog so i can write without worry or ridicule or anything. and thats just it write... not do. i m scared of being like that getting lose and just being something im not

but thats not why im writing.

today i was so sad and depressed i cant deal with presser at all... my tolerance is very low. my friend has been killing me she worries and then i cant deal. I dont know this whole thing with getting a place i dont know if i was ready for it. so much pressure from friends and family.
and then on top of that i have so much work that keeps piling up and i keep putting off and off i really amd making my self sick. I didnt sleep for 4 days and didnt eat anything but maybe a few snaks for 5 days. i dont know its bad.

Anyway i was so sad i wrote a suicide note... i thought it was best to do that not in case i actualy go through with it but maybe i thought it would make me feel better. I really was thinking really hard about doing it! like i was stabing my self in my hand with my pen. thank god the marks arent visable. what happend to me!!! why am i thinking these things...

I really have gone backwards!! back to when i was in 3th grade! yes thats right i wanted to die in 3th grade. I was dealing with weight issues with having no friends with having family probs and i tryed to kill my self... well not tryed but i thought about it and was going to hang myself from my blines rope but i didnt. thank god i was scared. or i prob wouldnt be here.

but now im back im wanting to die again i need to stop this i cant think this.

i dont know what i am anymore... i dont want to lose myself to death or to killing... and it seems im falling in both directions i dont know how to stop it! stop my mind from thinking such things! stop from wanting death!

I want to kill
then i want to die
what am i
what do i want
i dont know
i cant figure it out

and im scared of both ideas im scared of it. i want ot live and i want to be happy.

I really think i need to get this semester over with i might want to change my scdual for next semester. i dont want this again never ever again. i want to find out how to stop it how to stop the feelings how to make myself not like this. its hard and i cant tell anyone i cant tell them i want to go or i want others to go

what will they think what will they say. my prob arnt as bad as so many others and yet i still cant control myself. im sick of this.

I dont know what to do......