I miss you why dont you call me please just call me i feel like i cant live anymore

I just need someone anyone to extend a hand out to me. I hate how far away you are and that i cant just see you whenever i want i hate all the friendships ive made. I feel like im doing something wrong!! why do i always have to call them always invite them! call me! invite me!!

please i need someone!! anyone!!! im so alone!!! why cant anyone see how much im hurting! how lonely i am! i have no one no one!!!

I hate this i hate this
I hate the way i am
What ive become
I hate that i need you
That i want you
That i feel like i cant live
With out you
I hate everything
I hate how much i care
How much i love you
How mested up you make me
Feel
Every second i pine for you
I hate it
I hate needing you
I hate getting excited
When you call
When you im me
No matter how infrequent it is
No matter how rare
it is
I just need you
All i ever wanted was
One call
One text
here and there
to show me you still want me
Want to be with me
I hate that i need that
But i do
I really do
I feel so allone
so unloved when i go
so long without hearing from you
Its like you forgot me
And I hate you for it
I hate you so much
Because i cant
Stop
Loving you

I feel so left out here
like no one cares about me no one wants to let me in. its so painful sometimes i just... i just want to go away. go far away,

its weird to think i could feel so alone with so many people around me, just so unwanted. like i'm in the way or a bother. its such a hard feeling to deal with and im not sure if i can overcome this terrible feeling of self pity.

ive tried so hard to just accept this is my life that this is how i'll always feel and how i'll always be im not like everyone else im not able to really make lasting close relationships. i just need to deal with this and face the facts no matter what happends in the end nothing will change. everyone will eventually get bored of me and leave me alone. i know i'll end up living alone and most likely dying alone.

i just wish i could break out could be like everyone else its just i cant i dont know how ive been living in such a bubble for so long its impossible for me to really step out.

im to tired of this i just dont know what to do anymore...

depressed

as of late ive been feeling really depressed not sure why i mean there isnt anything wrong in my life im just kind of sad and i dont wana do any work.

i really hate it when i feel like this and i try really hard not to think about it but i dont know right now its come on really hard. I cant stop the feeling as good as i normally do. Im trying to do work and blasting my head with music useually that helps a little bit but eh... its hard since im not in my own room and stuck here in this stupid comp lab.... i really have so much i have to do. i think i should just go crazy and fuck this life. i mean do i really want this to be my life for ever... am i ready for this... i dont know

its funny the darker and morbid and perversed something is the more i love it and yet i still hold on to these soft loving ideas what the fuck would u call that?? i mean what am i what do i follow?

death or life....

My Body

ah its been a month.... but eh

ok i hung out with my friends last night i love them a lot, since i never really had many i try to hold on to the ones i make now.... but like one of them has been kind of bugging me about my weight bringing up these horrible feelings it took me years to sort of suppress.

i just wana rip out of these skins and die somewhere. evertime she says something i wana smack her and beat her so hard. rip out her toung so i dont have to hear the words comeing out of her mouth. i jsut cant handle it anymore i just dont wana deal with it anymore. i hate being skinny i hate seeing my bones it makes me so sick sometimes. i cant look in the mirror anymore with out cringing. when im bloted im soo happy i look at my tummy and see no bones and i rub it and love it! i cant wait to get pregnate and have a huge tummy.

i just wish she stop talking stop stop stop

im also kind of still down from what my mom did.... to think i almost thought she killed herself. i cant seem to get over it, it hurts so much. i mean oh god i dont know what i mean. that aim talk was horrible but she hasnt said anything like that since then im kind of glad i hope shes happy i dont want her sad....

i really dont know what the fuck im doing or why im here alone in this stupid comp lab. i dont know if i hate it or love it. i cant tell anymore what i want.... i dont know... death life who cares anymore. everyone i know is sick everyone in the world is suffering and hurting and i feel nothing.

i dont understand i mean i feel u can tell but its like fack. like my emotions are fack that i made them up to fit what i should feel how i should be feeling i dont know i dont get it. i mean i should be sad my friend made me feel horrible and im alone on a sat night in this room and i feel nothing nothing nothing i dont know why i feel nothing.

i should be happy when i see them be happy to know people care but i just zone out somewhere else and never come back its like im watching a movie and the whole time i feel nothing nothing nothing nothing.

its like this all the time now i live and go on and live and go on and when im alone its then i see this whole life i built is just imagenary this world is so fack a fucken mistake. so frail with just one small crack the whole thing will fall. i want to see it fall i want it all to do but im to scared to see what would really be if this world i worked so hard to build would crumble and the person i really am was out and free. that women inside of me

that one who is to free to crazy to be, she would never last never make it pass. should i try should i worry should i care possible so but i dont. an empty lost dead mind thats stuck in my head sits and doesnt care, nothing is my life nothing will be my death. i have nothing nothing nothing.

i hate this feeling so mixed.... to want to die to want to kill back and forth... i bobbing up and down unable to pick which one would be best which one would fit into this void. if i died would i feel better would it make my life complet in death is there a dignatiy i need to meet. or should i kill someone see the death in there eyes and gamble with the chance i might just lose my mind...

is this what i want.... is this life what i want do i really want to be this live here... with these people so many people. i dont know i dont know

what do i want

how do i get it

how can i escape my feeling of emptyness...

doing better

Ive just been thinking about all the shit ive dealt with since i last posted... i dont know why i havent put anything down i guess im just lazy, but i think i should since i got to a point where i was seriously questing my sanity. Im glad to say as it stands im still sane, but im deffinitly on a line.

I almost killed someone or was going to. i dont know what stoped me but its good i stopped. i really dont need to do something stupid. i really cant afford to let my self go. i really dont know if i can.

i mean at the moment i really couldt have i really wanted to and i was sooo excited high angery sad scared pissed i was so mixed up i didnt know what happend till i went to take those few steps closing the gap between us and then i saw everyone elses faces and i woke up. it was like i wasnt me for a bit i was just full of anger and then i was me. and i was scared. not of him not of what people though not of the people in the car not of my friend not of jail not of anything but myself. i was scared shit of myself and i relized in like a split sec i cant do this. i dont want to i dont want to be that crazy evil psyco who kills for fun who cant controle their impulses. i want to be me. i dont know maybe i was scared to do it maybe im not as evil as i thought.

for me the point is i didnt do it! and instead i ran so fast so far it hurt and made me feel so much better. i cant believe i didnt do it. after all the time and thought i didnt do it i controled my self!!!! its great to know i didnt give in which is what i think seperates me from most killers.

so as of now im sane... for how long... i dont know...

i just know i cant go back home. im convinced its that place that has killed me mentaly. they really are crazy and the stress is enough to make anyone mad.

its been a long time

wow its been a long time not becaue i have been amazing just cause i dont feel like writing.

but now i do, im having so many problems right now and my period isnt helping. i need to book this fucken hotel room so i'll have somewhere to stay and it looks like im going to be paying a LOT! and fuck i need my money! its not like i have a lot!

so i need to think up a way to get money so i think i might sell a few things, i just need to figure out what to sell.

i hate this and im never letting it happen again! from now on when i plan to go somewhere and im getting a hotel room Im doing the booking!!! fuck dealing with other people and shit cause they cant do it and im not going to lose anymore money from this. i put in a clam with paypal maybe i'll get my money back. i dont know but its not even the money its that some bitch fucked me and im not letter her get away with it.

fuck if she didnt live in TX i would be at her door and beatting the ever living shit out of her! i dont care what people would think fuck it i dont deal with that shit!

im a bit down i really hate this one guy for out of no where not talking to me ;.; i really dont know what i did or why hes being like this. whatever he'll come back or not who knows.

i dont know i did really like him but im not going to get all crazy and shit fuck no one is worth that in my eyes. =P plenty of men out there for me!

when school starts hes going to be sorry!!!!!!

blah

well my life hasnt been to bad... reason for not posting anything here...

but well a few things got me down. one being finding out that i have 2 events on the same day and its not like i really have a choice and the one i really want to go to i wont be able to. so im pissed as shit about it ;.; i dont know if i can find some way to go to both but i will see....

another issues is boys i dont know if i ever will get a guy or anything. i like this guy but i dont know nothing is working... we were suppose to hang out sunday but he "supposivly" got into a fight with his parents... ok whatever i'll believe him but shit he didnt say he couldnt come till 2HRS AFTER!

;.; i was so depressed he stood me up! and then he was suppose to make it up on tuesday... and again... stood me up. i dont know this isnt going well... fuck i dont even know if he likes me but shit dont fucken say you'll go out and then not call or tell me so i dont look like an idiot waiting for you.

i want to just rip his balls out! and maybe take one of his eyes out as well!! or something! fucker!
i guess i really am undisirable or maybe im not interesting maybe im not his type.. fuck

i hate unrequited love the only other guy i liked was the same thing.. well actualy he was married and had 2 kids and i was to much of a pussy to tell him. so nothing happend i did tell him at the end of the year ah god i really wish he wasnt married or didnt mind divorcing his wife for a hs student.